Causes of Domestic Violence

Reading Between the Lies

Recognizing relationship violence can be difficult. No one wants to believe that someone they care about would do things to hurt them. To complicate matters, an abusive partner may often use excuses for their behavior. The following are examples of some common excuses for violent behavior.

"I wouldn't have to do that to you if you didn't make me so mad!"
Abusers often try and place the blame for the abuse on the victim. No one ever deserves to be abused. The choice to use violent behavior belongs to the abuser. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't give your partner the right to hurt you or control you.

" I was just stressed out! This is how I deal with things…"
Everyone has situations in their lives that are stressful. School, work, jobs - these are all examples of things that can stress people out. Choosing to use violence or abuse to deal with stress is not acceptable. There are always other ways to handle a situation rather than using violence. People use abusive behaviors in their relationships because they can and because they can get away with it.

"I was just drunk! Stop making this such a big deal!"
Many batterers would have us believe that alcohol and/or drugs are a viable excuse for abusive behavior but they're not. Drugs and alcohol don't cause nonviolent people to suddenly become violent. They can contribute to the situation by lowering an abuser's inhibitions so that they are more likely to use abusive behaviors when they are drunk or high than when they are sober. There are lots of people who use drugs and alcohol that never become violent. Violence is always a choice.

"I only do that stuff because I care so much! I'm just looking out for you…"
Jealousy and possessiveness are not signs of love, they are signs of abuse. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't give them the right to tell you what to do. A healthy relationship is based on trust and equality.